1 Year Post-Op

Notes on 10 Months

The remaining 10 months of my first year post-op were not easy. It was a slow climb to getting my life back...for many reasons. The first of which is that I experienced a significant period of depression. This was unexpected for me since it had been about 15 years since I was on anti-depressants. It was also confusing to know which of my symptoms were a normal outcome of surgery that would pass and which were an expression of a more serious depression. I finally saw a psychiatrist, went on meds, and (after two dose increases) felt like I could start to get my life back.

In the mix of all of this, I went back to work too early. I was out on medical leave for 10 weeks, went back half-time for one week, and then dove right in. The mix of depression and recovery from surgery looked like this - I went to work, had a few hours of great productivity, slogged through the rest of the day, then went home and fell asleep about 2 hours early. Every weekend I would nap for 3-4 hours each day. Lather, rinse, repeat - for at least the next 2-3 months. I don't know what might have made this better - taking another week or two at home, taking another week half-time, or that it was going to happen anyway. I only had 12 weeks of FMLA and I was worried that I wouldn't have any time to spare if I needed an emergency surgery or repair within that year. I made the logical decision to save that FMLA time, but in retrospect it was obvious that my body was not ready.

A lot happened (and didn't happen) in the first year post-op, so I'll whittle it down to the following lists. I'd be happy to expand on one or more topics if that would help others. Feel free to leave a comment on this post.

The Emotional Ups/Downs of Healing (Top 3 Lists)

WINS:

• Standing-to-fucking-pee. This should not be underrated. I love it. Love, love, love it! And, I was never one of those guys that used an STP. I'd pee on myself and I hated them. Think about this - how much time, energy, and mental space do you use on thinking about where you can pee? Like, do you remember to pee before leaving the house or a space you know? Do you eat or drink less? Do you totally avoid certain places (like bars or concert venues) for fear there will be nowhere to go? Do you get anxious every time you enter a bathroom that the stalls will be occupied by a bunch of cis guys taking a dump? I DID. All of this. And it's a waste of our damn time that I no longer have to deal with. What a relief! Also, there's something so freakin cool about holding your own dick and peeing out of it. I can feel it swell up when the stream is passing through. Hell yes!
• Jerking off. Being able to grab something that's not the size of a peanut or where I'm not doing the wax-on-wax-off business is miraculous. I get to tug on my dick for pleasure. Enough said.
• Bulge in the pants. It's nice to no longer feel like something is missing. It's chillin between my legs and every now and then I'll subtly poke it with a finger just to feel it there and remind myself it's real. I never had a ton of dysphoria in this area and rarely wore a packer, so I'm surprised by how much I like it.

DISAPPOINTMENTS:

• Arm healing. It took one part of my arm 9 months before it stopped blistering. That's a long fucking time to deal with that wound. The corresponding part of my leg where the thicker chunk was taken has also noticeably scarred, where you usually don't see scarring where the surgeon took the split-thickness graft. One the inside my arm there is a long streak of thick, red, and raised hypertrophic scarring that hasn't gone down. A small area is pressing up against my nerve and it hurts like hell if someone happens to grab my arm in that area. I'm not sure what my options are, but for now I'm seeing a dermatologist to find ways to reduce the scarring. If that works, but the nerve tenderness is still remaining I may need to pursue fat grafting in that area.
• Sensation. I have minimal-to-moderate sensation. I can feel my penis if I run my finger nails along it or if I touch it through soft underwear, but other than that I don't have much sensation. I can't feel temperature (yes, I held a frozen burrito to it and didn't feel a damn thing), I don't have erotic sensation other than what I have in my buried clit, and I don't really feel it as a part of me. It's hard to describe, but if I didn't feel it pressing on other parts of my body or feel the weight of it, I wouldn't necessarily know it was there. This is a total bummer. And, I've talked to a lot of post-op guys about this. It appears that there is a huge spectrum of feeling that guys who had a nerve hook up get. Some people get super erotic, tactile, and temp sensation within the first several months post-op, some people it takes 2-3 years to get this kind of sensation, and others get lower levels of this sensation or only one kind. It's kind of a crap-shoot. I read a post from a guy yesterday who was 3 years post-op and he said that it had only been in the last 8 months or so that he started to notice temperature sensation. Dr. Crane says it can take up to 3 years for the nerves to mature and for you to feel a deeper and broader range of sensation, but that some may never come in. I guess I have two more years to wait. 
• A big flaccid dick. I didn't realize how unsatisfying it would be to jerk off a flaccid dick. It was...deflating. At least this was a sign that I really wanted an erectile device. Before my phalloplasty, I wasn't sure how I'd feel about an ED and I was hesitant to sign myself up for another surgery. But, it was clear to me within a few months that I couldn't go much longer without one. A big flaccid dick is also heavy and it dangles straight down, snaking through any type of underwear that aren't briefs or boxer briefs with a pocket. Thank goddess for that invention! And, it looks weird to me in the mirror - like it's disproportionately big. A part of me wishes I had considered a smaller dick, but I also don't know what the erect experience will be like. I'm sure post-op folks all feel in some way like the grass is greener on the other side.

WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED:

• Who am I. Really. If anyone can make sense of my life and body right now, please volunteer as tribute to get in my head and organize my thoughts. I think I'm still in shock. My head is having a hard time making sense of my new body and I'm incessantly having dreams about still having a front hole. I'm definitely working some shit out. We'll see how that unravels over time.
• Transitioning has been my life. I started T over a decade ago and in the last five years I've had four surgeries (hysto, meta, meta revision, and phallo). I feel an odd mix of relief, grief, anxiety, excitement, and disappointment. I am just an average dude now and it's hard to imagine a life where I'm not constantly chasing the next body modification. I know I'm not done, but there's something bittersweet about seeing the finish line. The universe is forcing me to live more in the present, which is a source anxiety for me. I could probably use some daily meditation.
• I suddenly don't want to talk about it. After spending so much time and energy thinking about, planning, and preparing for my penis, I am like a church mouse now that it is here. That came as a surprise to me. It is, however, somewhat similar to when I had been on T a few months. Out of nowhere I got really quiet, introspective, and cagey. I felt incredibly alone in my experience and even the thought of sharing my feelings and reflections with another human being was to frightening to bear. I'm definitely in that space again and it's a self-defeating cycle where I feel alone and those feelings keep me from letting others in. This is something I'm trying to take baby steps to overcome.

Next Stage

Dr. Crane suggests that patients wait 9 months before getting implant surgery. I needed to re-up my FMLA coverage and the winter is usually a better time for me (and my partner) to take time off from work, so I scheduled my implant surgery for a date that is exactly a year from my stage 1 surgery. See more info on implant decisions and surgery in the next post.