I got about 4-5 hours of sleep last night at most. My mind was racing and I had a really hard time falling asleep and staying asleep. Of all things to obsess over, I became singularly focused on the length of my new penis.
Penis Length
For months and months, I was under the impression that I'd be limited to something around 5 inches because of my choice for RFF. At my pre-op appointment I made sure to express to Toni and Dr. Crane that I didn't want it to shrink under 5 inches and preferably I wanted something longer. I was surprised to learn about the gains they were getting in the length as a result of connecting the radial artery to a branch of the femoral artery instead of directly to it. It didn't sink in that I might be able to have a longer penis until hours after I got home from the appointment.
I couldn't let go of the idea of having a longer penis. I pulled out the tape measure at least half a dozen times to try to envision what a 5.5" penis, a 6" penis, or even longer, would be like. It had never crossed my mind and I surgery was hours away. I made the decision that I'd talk about it in the morning (today) with my partner and text Toni my preference if I were to make the change. And, I did. I sent her a text around 7:30/8am that I changed my preference to a 6" length knowing that it might have to be cut to a different length based on where my radial artery branched and even if it were cut to 6", it could shrink to 5.5' or stretch to 6.5", depending on how I healed. Either way, I recognized within myself that I would likely regret it if I didn't make this request and see what happens.
Why 6 inches? My answer: Why not? I really have no idea how it's going to feel in terms of weight, how it'll fit in my pants, etc. It's all guesswork. I do want the option for penetration and I've heard from guys at or slightly under 5" that it feels more challenging. Similarly, I've heard from some guys 6" and longer that it can feel heavy or can be too much of a bulge in pants. I'd rather err on the side of finding new pants or supportive briefs than feeling too small. There is also something psychological for me in having something that feels and looks noticeably longer than my hand when gripping it. Not very logical or scientific, but that's something my gut is telling me and I'm trying to listen to it.
A friend suggested writing my aesthetic preferences down on a piece of paper to give to the doctors prior to surgery tomorrow. I think that's a great idea and I plan on doing it. Honestly, once I texted Toni and had something to eat, my anxiety almost completely faded away and I was able to take a nap. I've been pretty calm since then.
Bowel Prep
24 hours prior to surgery, which was 7:30 this morning, I started my bowel prep with the 10 oz. bottle of Magnesium Citrate. I chose the grape flavor and it was delicious. Within 2 hours I was on the toilet and I've been on it at least every hour since, if not every 30 minutes. It almost as if anything I put in my mouth (even water) comes right on out. I don't feel cramping, but my butt it raw from all of the wiping - mind you, wiping with baby wipes. That is some soft and moist wiping and I'm already raw. I don't know if my bum will ever forgive me for this. It's also a good reminder to not stray far from a toilet the day before surgery!
I shifted from solid foods to liquid mid-way through the day and almost instantly started craving solid foods. It was annoying. I ate/drank mushroom broth, which was delicious, but didn't get rid of the craving. What did? Jello. Oh, glorious lemon jello. Thank you for existing. I ate a whole bowl and wished that I had made more. I've also been drinking a ton of water. My only incentive is that I know I'm going to go at least 24 hours, if not more, without being able to drink water...because as I mentioned earlier - in my mouth, out my butt.
At around 8:30pm I took two stool softener tablets and did an enema. Thankfully, they cut out the morning enema from the pre-op prep routine. There was definitely cramping with that, but it didn't last long. Still, I don't want to have to do that again.
Why mention any of this? No one told me I would spend almost an entire day expelling liquid from my butt. No one. It's unpleasant and I hope that my butt finds a way to forgive me.
Last thing on my list tonight is putting together materials I want to bring to the hospital and a shower with Hibiclens before bed. I'm so close!!!
Gratitude
Before ending my last post before surgery, I want to mention how deeply grateful I am for all of the guys who came before me, especially those who share their experiences in blogs, FB groups, listservs, with doctors, etc. I don't know if I would have found the courage and hope to pursue a phalloplasty had I not known others who had done it. And, I know for certain that I wouldn't have been well-informed without all of the information that is shared in these venues. I never thought I'd see so many post-op photos - which have deeply normalized this for me. I feel a lot less isolated and that is life-giving. Thank you to everyone.
Do you know if the technique that allowed for a longer phallus than you expected is unique to Crane or if Chen is also able to perform the same thing since he was trained by Crane?
ReplyDeleteI am not sure. It is my understanding that this is a technique that only Crane and his team uses. While he trained Chen, he started using this technique with his surgical team in Austin, TX during the period of time where Chen was also starting to leave the practice to go off on his own.
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