10 Days Til Surgery

Ongoing Preparations and Reflections
It feels like I've been trudging through jello the past few weeks - moving slowly against a modest and persistent resistance. Everything is a blur. I couldn't tell you what I had for lunch yesterday or what meetings I have tomorrow. My brain is overloaded and exhausted. I've been trying to let go of a lot of things. I'm trying to have faith that the remaining insurance details will work themselves out, that I'll be able to deal with any issues if/when they arise, and that I'll be okay if I just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Even with the perpetual attempts/successes of letting go, I still feel heavy. I'm starting to feel anxiety too - in my neck, in my chest, and in my stomach. I wonder if this will be the case until my surgery date.

I was able to wrap up a few things recently including my will, advance directive, and durable medical power of attorney. I got the pre-op blood work done and submitted (with hesitation) all of the necessary signed forms including my list of medications, the safe accommodations agreement, and the financial and payment policies. I should also have all of the supplies I need, at least for the first few weeks post-op. Now it's one more day of work, one day of packing, and then the start of a 30+ hour car trip to Austin. Podcasts here we go!

Over the past few days I've been reminiscing A LOT about my pre-transition days. I find my mind drifting to memories of relationships and friendships, of being in my old body, of sex, and of various interactions with people. I'm surprised by this. It feels like the mourning/remembering that I never had (or at least not this explicitly) during other milestones in my transition. I miss some things I had as a woman. I miss the relationships I had with other women. I miss the softness, physically and emotionally, that we shared with each other. I miss how I was as a woman. I'm really proud of who I was, what I endured, how I persevered. I miss so much. And, I'd never go back. What I'm seeing and feeling this week is that this surgery, for me, really is shutting the door on my life as a woman- or trans-identified person and opening the door to my life as male. Finally, I will be categorically different than I was almost ten years ago when I started Testosterone. I am ready for this part of my life.

Harry Potter and Luna Lovegood
I'm starting to feel scared. I'm scared that my penis will be too big or too small, that the urethral lengthening will fail, that I'll be in more pain that I can handle, that I'll feel suicidal or get depressed, that I'll be horrified by the scar...that I'll experience a deep and profound regret for this decision. Two days ago I asked my partner if he thought I was crazy. He said that, of course, this surgery is something to legitimately be scared of, but that it also makes complete sense that I'd want to have it. Why wouldn't I?

I'm re-reading Harry Potter and The Order of the Phoenix and this week I've been feeling a lot like Harry in that book, especially in regards to his relationship with Luna. Luna is the one person who unequivocally understands (and shares) Harry's trauma. She's lost a parent, she can see the thestrals, etc. However, she also reads the Quibbler upside down and believes in the existence of crumple-horned snorcacks, leaving Harry and others to question the depth of her sanity. Undoubtedly, being comforted by Luna is a little jarring for Harry since Luna is not an ideal litmus test for crazy.

You lost us! Okay, so this is all to say that the only people who seem to truly understand and share my feelings, thoughts, and desires for bottom surgery are the people on the phalloplasty FB groups that I'm a part of. They are pursuing a phalloplasty themselves or have already had it. The folks in these groups are largely affirming, validating, helpful, and knowledgeable. I would not have been able to adequately prepare for surgery without their generosity. These groups can also be an echo chamber. There is no one saying, in as nice a way as possible, "Are you sure? Are you really sure?" And, I'm glad there is not cause that's not the place naysaying. But, I'm feeling a bit like Harry - lonely, isolated, in fear - and wondering if I can truly trust myself. Cause isn't that what Luna is after all, the character with the most confidence who is unapologetically herself? And what people find as "loony" is simply a reflection of their own insecurities.

Maybe I need to start tomorrow with some radish-like earrings and spectra specs and own the love I have for my life and my body.

And to all of you reading this, I say: "Don't worry. You're just as sane as I am."